This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
