the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
