atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
pray to the hookup gods
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
