I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
