Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
