Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Couch. On fire.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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