Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
