That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
