All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
