areolas are like halos for boobs.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
