I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
