he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
