I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
