i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
