Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
