the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
