i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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