don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
