I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
