when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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