You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
