Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
