Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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