I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
