Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
