I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
