i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
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You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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