I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
