Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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