"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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