Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
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For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing