Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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