Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
