I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
