i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
