Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
