Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
