You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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