Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
