She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
