just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
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I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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I enjoy the company of your penis
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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