i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You made out with two different species that night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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