I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
