I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
soo... how was my night?
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