I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
