Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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