Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
