So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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