Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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