Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
