And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
