I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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