But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
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He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
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candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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