Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
