I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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