i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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