in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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