i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
