Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
