I accidentally had phone sex last night
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
