Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i barfeds in our rink
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
