I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
